Being a Safe Place

Shit’s getting real here. There have been a few times I’ve wanted to make a post like this but wasn’t sure how to do it without triggering a truckload of judgements or questions. Ironically enough, that’s what it’s all about. The shame behind the topic of sex.

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One of the things I pride myself in the most, when it comes to friends, is being a safe place to talk about ANYTHING. The relief that comes when they find out we can talk about sex without judgement is equivalent to a 100lb weight falling off their shoulders, or offering a cold glass of water after being stranded in the desert for a month. Their entire body will seem to sigh as they realize they don’t have to filter or hide who they are.

This has been a part of my friendships since I was a teenager. Once that ice was broken, we were free to be who we really were and ask questions we didn’t know how to ask. It has carried into present day - there is still a need. We still have questions.

This book has got me thinking a lot - and I’ve literally just gotten through the intro (in all fairness it’s a long intro). How much has my mind been shaped, my shame been heightened, and my self-confidence been affected by ‘The Purity Movement’ I was raised in? I’m not saying it was all bad, in fact, a lot of it was good - however, the negative psychological effects that came from it are also severe. Most things I haven’t even started realizing or working through until now, in my thirties.

The biggest thing I have taken away so far from my 1 day of diving into this book, is how significantly The Purity Movement connected our sexuality with our Faith. Virgin=Christian. Non-virgin=Non-Christian. The main issue with this being that the smallest ‘sexual act’, even if it was French kissing, caused guilt and doubt if you’d go to Heaven. 

Seems extreme? Frankly, it was. Now listen, this is not a church bashing or Christianity bashing post. It never will be from me. This is a realization that the way things were communicated around sexual purity was, well, very strict. Unfortunately that became attached to shame which we all know, produces nothing except more shame. And that is definitely not something God does. He does not shame us.

The purpose of this post? To let you know that I’m a safe place if you need it (and if you’re male, my boyfriend is too). If you need to talk or process something - I’ve nearly heard it all and I’m not scared to hear more if it means helping you find some healing. It’s also to encourage you to BE a safe place for others. Especially if you are a Christian - others need to know you’re not shocked, scared or judgey about their sexual history (or present!). I promise you, it will only produce more light on the dark places reducing the shame and therefore the devil’s hold. No one should be left out in the desert parched...